The Angry Greek

The Angry Greek Is Packing Her Shit!

2011-05-07T00:58:00.000-07:00

My expensive hos, the day of reckoning has finally arrived! Thanks to the awesome skills of Tod, my extremely talented web designer, the new blog is up and running! And let me just say that he did a DECADENT job! I knew I loved Tod from the very beginning. He took one look at a picture of Snooki on my blog and said, “It looks like a side of pork wrestling with a flag.”

Anyway, everyone will be able to register a user name, upload an avatar, and fill out a personal profile, which I highly recommend doing! Otherwise, you will appear as Anonymous Bitch in the comment section, and loons, that special honor is reserved just for you!

I am still recovering from some annoying health crap, so it looks like Day One will happen around Wednesday. In the meantime, please register, fill out your profile, take a look around, and make yourselves at home! Starting next week, this will be our new playground! And vagina, that did not give you carte blanche to dump your dildo collection all over the new blog! Jesus God! I told you to make yourself at home, not turn the new blog into a whorehouse! Show some respect!

Lots of Love,
The Greek Girl (Mrs. Amber Benson)

PS: The above dance is what I am currently doing as a means of celebration. Yeah. And now you know why I got turned down as Natalie Portman’s dance double in Black Swan.

Not Expensive

2011-05-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

My expensive hos! Your Greek Girl is feeling like Rudolph’s liver right about now, so I am going to take a few days off from the blog and try to get myself back in line. In the meantime, please keep your elbows off the table and remember to call me immediately if the vagina gets arrested for public indecency. Every time I put that bitch in her Barbie crib, she finds a way to climb over it and totter her way over to Le Beaver Barn for free drinks. Yeah. Bitch is dedicated like that.

I love you all, and I will be back to you as soon as I stop feeling like Baba Yaga’s distended joints.

Lots of Love,
The Angry Greek (Mrs. Amber Benson)

Amberkins On ‘Supernatural’ Tonight

2011-04-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

Before I pass out in a potted plant with my panties around my ankles, I just wanted to say that the lovely and talented Amber Benson will be returning as Lenore on Supernatural tonight. The above video is a sneak preview of the episode, and I must say that Amberkins looks absolutely gorgeous as always. And I must also say that unlike certain foxy actresses who like to eff around with their facial features, Amberkins can actually act. Ahem. Sorry, Foxy. You can spank me later with an icing spatula.

By the way, Greek Girl! My drunken ass read your post this week about not inviting me to the Benson-Greek wedding! Not only was that unclassy and inexpensive, but I also object to what you said about chasing after me with a baseball bat! Bitch, just try it! I carry a pistol in my hooker purse! Yes, it is made of plastic, and yes, you can fill it with water, but it is still a pistol, so bring it!

Your Daily FAIL!

2011-04-29T12:23:00.000-07:00

You know, I would usually give some inspirational advice to the hos right about now, but all I can say is -- if you are going to fail, then be classy about it! Do not fall on your face without a crooked tea cozy on your head or a dinner mint up your asshole! It is so much classier to fall on your stomach and fart out a dinner mint! Decoration, bitches! Always decorate!

Goat Bitch & Baba Yaga Fart Away Their Money

2011-04-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

First of all, you know Goat Bitch blows all his money on petticoats and decorative whalebone china from the Home Shopping Network. After all, when you are a fancy bitch who saunters around the house in lingerie and spackled hooker heels, there is no greater friend than the Home Shopping Network. Goat Bitch has them on speed dial, right along with George Clooney and 1-800-BUTT-FUCK. Although, I think those two numbers are one and the same.

And Baba Yaga is not exactly Miss Bargain Bin herself. After all, we all know the undead cunt loves to bathe in menstrual blood and fresh virgin hymens. That shit costs money on the black market, especially when you are too gnarled and rickety to chase after those virgins yourself! Poor Baba Yaga. When she climbs out of her coffin in the morning, her bones sound like a sheet of bubble wrap being sat on by a loon.

Anyway, according to In Touch via Express: “The A-list couple, known to fans as Brangelina, are said to have spent more than £3 million on private jets last year alone, and £540,000 in total on individual nannies. The children’s food bill is about £22,000 a year. They also rack up a bill of about £2 million for first-class flights and hotel stays for Maddox, nine, Pax, seven, Zahara, six, Shiloh, four, and two-year-old twins Knox and Vivienne.”

This sounds about right. After all, when Baba Yaga flies to some war-torn region of the world with her makeup and camera crew in tow, the only way to go is by private jet. How else is she supposed to look concerned and heartbroken for the cameras if she does not get her beauty rest ahead of time? God! Have some sympathy for the bitch, people!

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Never Mind! I Take It ALL Back!

2011-04-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

Greek Girl, make a note in my stack of bar napkins that I officially take everything back! Never mind what I said about the royal wedding! I spoke too soon, and right now, you need to fetch me my best chiffon dress and my hooker heels with the “tips” sticker on the bottom! I need to practice curtsying without my panties on in honor of the royal wedding. After all, a lady always knows how to curtsy and show just the right amount of labia. Show too much and you will be shunned and frowned upon by those with proper elocution.

So, yeah. How was I supposed to know that Carole Middleton (the mother of the bride) was such a decadent bitch? This woman looks like a fisherman’s wife who woke up naked on a dock and decided to show up to Buckingham Palace wearing a crooked box of Advil on her head! And to add a final touch of class, Carole glued a doily on top of the Advil box in order to look more festive!

The Greek Girl thinks Carole’s hat looks like a paper plate from Wal-Mart with some leftover Easter ribbons on top of it, but she is wrong! I know an Advil box when I see it! After all, I have had more hangovers than Rosie has had deep-fried Snickers bars at the county fair!

Anyway, I truly cannot take my eyes off of Carole Middleton, and I sincerely hope that the cameras were trained on her throughout the entire ceremony. Fuck the bride and fuck the groom! Carole Middleton should have been front-and-center in every shot, and the cameras should have stayed on her while she drank Stoli during the ceremony and absently scratched her crotch! That is where the entertainment is at, hookers! There is always one bitch who ruins the wedding for everyone, and that bitch should be honored and venerated every single time!

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: The Golden Shower Restaurant

2011-04-29T09:59:00.000-07:00

Mr. Piss and the Golden Shower Restaurant should really be in cahoots with one another. You can stop by the Golden Shower Restaurant and get a hot drink courtesy of Mr. Piss. I am sure he will be very happy to accommodate your needs. Mr. Piss sounds like a very nice person.

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Man Candy Of The Day: Mr. Piss

2011-04-29T09:56:00.000-07:00

I am not sure which is classier right now. The name of the restaurant, the detailed image for the logo, or the fact that Mr. Piss is a family restaurant. Either way, how do I invest my money in this shit? Actually, you know what? Never mind. I am going to start my own restaurant chain and it is going to be called Vagina Time. Everything on the menu will be meatless.

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Your Daily FAIL!

2011-04-28T00:35:00.000-07:00

Um, yeah. What the fuck? The last time anybody told me they had a “Wonder Boner,” I was standing next to a tranny who was having some difficulty with her tuck. Baba Yaga, I think you should write a book for trannies everywhere. Not everyone is as talented as you are when it comes to sliding their own dick up their ass.

Baba Yaga’s Dieting Secrets Revealed

2011-04-28T00:30:00.000-07:00

First of all, everyone here knows that Baba Yaga eats about twice a week, and both meals consist of young children between the ages of two and seven. After all, Baba Yaga is an ancient hag and she does not have the energy to chase children through the woods or snatch them from their bedrooms at night. No. Not anymore. Therefore, she only eats twice a week, and from what I understand, she enjoys a nice, hearty stew consisting of diced carrots, chopped tomatoes, and a plump toddler.

Knowing that, I am both appalled and amused by the article written by Rediff yesterday. According to them: “Angelina Jolie concentrates on eating whole foods. She does not involve sugar in her diet. She always prefers to eat food in a seated position. People refer to Angelina's diet as the Candlelit Diet, indicating that she does not eat in a room which is bright.”

What the fuck? Look, I knew Baba Yaga was a preternatural beast with osteoarthritic bones, but I had no idea things had gotten this bad! By the way, of course she has to sit up at mealtimes! When you are a two-thousand-year-old relic with mummy dust in your colon, it is hard to get up once you lie down! Poor Goat Bitch has to cut her open several times a day and replace the batteries in her seven pacemakers!

So, yeah. I am not really sure whether or not I buy this shit, but I must admit it sounds a lot like Baba Yaga. Especially the “eating in darkness” part. After all, everyone knows that if she stands under bright lights for too long, she starts decomposing at a rapid rate. I mean, come on. Do you really want your dinner guests staring at you while you fish a piece of your jaw bone out of your bowl of soupe a l’oignon? Uncouth! Impolite! And so not classy!

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NOOOO! Snooki Is Losing Weight!

2011-04-28T00:28:00.000-07:00

Snooki, my sweaty lump of chorizo sausage! How could you do this to me, and only a few weeks before the beginning of summer? Have my sweet words meant nothing to you? When I called you a slimy lump of diarrhea curd, did you not feel it in your heart? And when I called you a regurgitated hunk of dry salami, did you not clutch your chest and heave a sigh of longing? You didn’t? Well, fuck you, then! It’s not my fault you’re a frigid bitch! I did my best to be romantic!

Snooki, my darling, please see sense! You are known throughout the swamplands as the hefty-ass broad who blows people behind the dumpster for fifty-five cents and a coupon to Subway! Why does this have to change? I love you just the way you are and you are KILLING ME with your senseless acts of bingeing and purging!

Oh, Snooki, this will be the end of me! I know it! Do you not care if I live or die? You don’t? Well, fuck you twice! If this is the thanks I get for sweating and toiling over my swamp midget posts, then you can do whatever the hell you want! I am not going to sit here and beg you like Goat Bitch at a sausage fest. Go ahead! Lose all the chunk! See if I care!

NO, I TAKE IT ALL BACK! No! No, Snooki, I refuse! I refuse to compromise my beliefs in a world so empty and full of crap! To me, you will always be Snooki! The bitch who scrapes the underside of her hooves with a snarling porcupine! The bitch who farts out sausage grease and chunks of polenta tart! The bitch who stole my heart when she claimed she often woke up in garbage cans! Oh, Snooki, how can I ever let you go? I can’t, my little ass boil. I simply...can’t.

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Emma Stone

2011-04-28T00:22:00.000-07:00

Emma, while you are a stunningly beautiful woman, I admit I am using you to lure the vagina back home this morning. Bitch never came home from Le Beaver Barn last night, but I am hoping that if she hears the words Foxy, Emma Stone, and threesome, she might be more liable to come home.

By the way, you didn’t hear this from me, but I think the vagina might be getting a bit bored of Foxy-Loxy. After all, it has been ages since I have caught them humping on the ottoman or spanking each other with spatulas in the kitchen. Where is the magic, hookers? Where is the magic?

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Man Candy Of The Day: Taylor Kitsch

2011-04-28T00:17:00.000-07:00

I am pissed off to hell this morning over Slutty Gay Friend and his latest batch of cuntery. Bitch has been partying like a rabid beaver lately and has completely neglected his duties as a slutty gay friend. Yes, he has duties! Bitch is in charge of taking the vagina for her afternoon walks in her baby carriage!

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Your Daily BENSON-GREEK WEDDING DISASTER!

2011-04-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

As I have already pointed out to my sweet Amberkins, this is why the vagina will not be allowed anywhere near the Benson-Greek wedding reception. I am terrified she will do this to me. No, vagina, you are not INVITED! When Amberkins and I finally tie the knot, I want it to be EXPENSIVE! I want to heave copious sighs of longing and giggle like Goat Bitch at a cotillion, not chase after you with a baseball bat! You stupid vagina! I will get you for this and it hasn’t even happened yet!

PS: Your Greek Girl will not be here tomorrow, my expensive hos, but I will be back on Thursday! Stupid Wednesdays! I hate Wednesdays!

Shiloh Unhappy With Baba Yaga’s Schedule

2011-04-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

Poor Shiloh. If my Maman was a dehydrated eel carcass with desiccated organs and an unfortunate underbite, I am not exactly sure what I would do. Thankfully, my Maman is much classier than Baba Yaga. When I was growing up, my Maman used to throw lovely dinner parties and make her own seasonings with the herbs from her garden. Contrary to the Yaga-Bitch recipe, I never saw her smoking those herbs, nor did I catch her snorting the powdered sugar off of her beignets. Strange!

And my Maman always knew when to slap a bitch and when not to slap a bitch! Baba Yaga, pay attention to this shit! This is very important! When Goat Bitch urinates on the couch cushions in front of company, you should never slap him if there are other people in the room. A lady always waits until the room is empty before she grabs a bitch by the collar and slaps them around until her hand is raw! God! It is called manners!

But I digress. In all seriousness, words cannot describe how much my cold, dead heart weeps for Shiloh and the other children of the ungodly petting zoo. According to CNS: “A source close to the celebrity couple said that Shiloh is unhappy about the amount of time her mommy works and how much attention they get when they are out together.”

Poor Shiloh. I am not really sure what to say at this point. All of the children are precious and beautiful, and they cannot help that their mother is a snarling porcupine anus or that their father is a giggling bitch who wears petticoats.

I can only hope that one day, Zahara will be able to meet the cold, glacial stare of Baba Yaga and calmly plunge a stake into her heart. I am relying on you, Zahara! As a disciple of Jane the Vampire Slayer, I have complete confidence that one day, you will end the recurring nightmare for us all...

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Paris Queefs About Her New Reality Show

2011-04-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, I must say that if I do not comment on the above photo, my insides are going to implode and I will be forced to crap out my internal organs for the next few hours. So, yeah, let me just say a few words before something tragic happens.

First of all, that busted weave on Paris’ head is two seconds away from releasing a death rattle and urinating all over itself. The last time I saw anything that busted, Rudolph was running away from a jewelry store with a stolen necklace around her neck and her panties around her ankles. Not CLASSY, Rudolph! I saw the surveillance tape and there was not an uplifted pinkie or a crooked tea cozy in sight!

By the way, on the solemn occasion I do get off my lazy ass and decide to work out, I like to bring my designer handbag and carry a drink that looks like Snooki the Swamp Midget farted all over it. That makes a hell of a lot of sense to me. And no, this bitch was NOT coming back from the gym! This is a shot of her “jogging” around West Hollywood the other day.

So, yeah. I don’t know what to say anymore. All I can tell you is to be sure to buy roach repellant and lock up your genitals this summer because Paris has a new reality show coming out: “On The Simple Life, I was playing a character. Now people will get to see my real world, my friends, my house, my business. I would never have done a show like this five, ten years ago. I wasn't really comfortable with myself. I have been through so much. I have nothing to hide. It's like, what else can happen? I was ready to show myself.”

Paris, if you really wanted to show yourself, you could start by taking out those blue contacts and untangling those rat pubes from your moth-eaten scalp. As for showing the rest of yourself, please DO NOT. The EPA would be on red alert, and our ecosystem is far too fragile to deal with noxious vaginal fumes and legions of crabs set for world domination. No! The EPA has enough on its plate with Snooki the Swamp Midget running around like a diseased rat with osmotic diarrhea.

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Lena Headey

2011-04-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

Do we ever need an excuse to put up the classy and decadent Lena Headey as Clitty Litter? The woman is gorgeous and she is currently on the popular HBO series, Game of Thrones. I have yet to see the show, but Best Fwend has been raving about it like a classy hooker with advanced syphilis. Wait a second. No. That was not the best analogy to use. I usually reserve that for people who are true hookers. Like Slutty Gay Friend.

PS: Thank you, Luscious Lynn, for the decadent recommendation!

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Man Candy Of The Day: Gaspard Ulliel

2011-04-26T09:28:00.000-07:00

Slutty Gay Friend always makes me laugh whenever he sees a photo of Gaspard. Without fail, he stops in his tracks and says, “Jesus! If Gaspard asked me for the PIN number to my ATM card, I would give it to him.” Funny, Slutty Gay Friend, but not practical. What would this classy Frenchman want with eighty-nine cents and an expired coupon to Bobo China?

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Your Daily OLD PEOPLE!

2011-04-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I am a clumsy-ass bitch, and yes, I am looking forward to tumbling down the stairs and busting my dentures into the floor. I am also looking forward to chasing teenagers in my motorized wheelchair and hosing their asses down on Halloween. After all, when you are an old skank with hemorrhoids hanging down like grapes, people expect you to do shit like that. And I’ll be damned if I let that opportunity pass me by!

Am I Seeing Things?

2011-04-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

First of all, I must thank a particularly charming member of the Blubber Brigade for sending me at least five emails this weekend about this “beautiful new photo” of Baba Yaga. Did I fall off my toddler stool and crack my head against the floor, or have I seen this photo of the rotting dinosaur carcass before?

Something about this shit looks very familiar to me. The gnarled hands, the protruding Adam’s apple, the skin that looks like sodden plastic. And what the hell is going on with Wig Jolie here? Bitch looks like she was chasing squirrels around the garden before the gardener ran her over as he was rounding the corner in his riding lawnmower. Leave it to Baba Yaga to pick Wig Jolie up from the grass and slap her down on her head without so much as bothering to run a lice comb through her first! God! Etiquette, bitch!

Everyone knows that if your hairpiece has been romping around the garden all morning, the least you can do is give her a flea bath and allow her to air dry before attaching her to your scalp. And please clip her toenails every now and then, Baba Yaga! God! When your best wig can pick her own butt from three feet away, there is something seriously weird going on!

Anyway, if this photo is new, then I do apologize, but somehow, I do not think it is. I am having some seriously disturbing Baba Yaga flashbacks right now, and I would like for them to stop as quickly as possible. After all, nobody likes it when I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming about Baba Yaga yanking down my granny panties on a heavy flow day. Everyone knows how much she craves the blood of menstruating virgins!

And Rudolph Is OUT (Temporarily) Once Again!

2011-04-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

Cut to Santa Claus firing up the barbecue while Mrs. Claus mixes up a decadent marinade with sprigs of mint and minced garlic cloves. Rudolph, if you do not get your shit together, Santa is going to toss your ass onto the barbecue and serve venison steaks to the elves for weeks. No more candy canes and hot chocolate for them! No! Those bitches are going on the Atkins diet! Venison steaks for everybody until your reindeer carcass has been picked clean!

Anyway, for those of you who give a shit, here is the cuntery that went down in Los Angeles on Friday afternoon. Rudolph was in court that day, and Judge Stephanie Sautner ruled that Rudolph had violated her parole by jacking a necklace from a jewelry store. Then Judge Stephanie reduced the charges from felony to misdemeanor. At that moment, my stupid ass (who was watching the trial) started rolling my eyes and grumbling because I knew that shit would happen.

Then, after a two-hour recess, Judge Stephanie came back with her final verdict. She sentenced Rudolph to 120 days in county jail and 480 hours of community service. That is when the vagina started sobbing hysterically and screaming about busting Rudolph out of jail, so I had to lock her in the liquor cabinet for her own safety.

Immediately after that, Rudolph’s bulldyke lawyer said she would appeal, and the bail was set at $75,000. So after that, Rudolph was handcuffed and taken down to the deer pen where she spent five hours in the slammer until somebody posted bail. So, yeah. Rudolph is out of the deer pen once again, and –- wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait just a goddamn minute here!

VAGINA! Get over here RIGHT NOW! Where were you on Friday evening and why are you shuffling your feet in that guilty manner? If you were the one who posted bail for Rudolph, so help me God -- what? What do you mean, mind my own fucking business? Do you want to be grounded again? No? Then show some respect! And quit rolling your eyes at me or I will slap you across the labia and take away your vodka money. Stupid vagina! I will not be spoken to like Goat Bitch after he has chewed up the curtains and left diarrhea stains on the couch cushions!

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Renee O’Connor

2011-04-25T09:12:00.000-07:00

As I write this post, I am completely aware that I have become one of the most ridiculous stereotypes of all time. A geeky virgin who is obsessed with Xena. Jesus God. Kill me! Kill me now! This shit is so not classy, and I can already see the vagina shaking her head and scribbling all over my progress report in red lipstick.

Anyway, in a fit of bravery this weekend, I actually decided to buck up my granny panties and make it through the last few episodes of the show. I am both proud and devastated to say that I made it through to the very end. Currently, I am in a state of deep despair over the cuntery that took place in Japa. The final episode was beautiful, but how does that atone for the lingering sorrow and anguish it left behind?

In the middle of a mind-numbing depression last night, I found myself realizing that I had watched the final episodes of Xena on Easter. I thought that was strangely appropriate, given that Easter is all about revival and rising from the dead. In that sense, I know that Xena and Gabrielle will live on in my cold, dead heart forever.

Xena and Gabrielle were soulmates in every sense of the word, and they were so much more than just characters on a screen. They were alive, and they became my heroes. And now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go sob into my granny panties about eternal love, inappropriate touching between “friends”, and intimate conversations by the campfire.

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Man Candy Of The Day: Kevin Smith

2011-04-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

Due to an expensive request from all the Xenites on the blog, I am putting up two amazing actors this morning. The first is the gorgeous and decadent Kevin Smith. Kevin was a talented actor and a remarkable human being, and his life was cut tragically short a few years ago. I adored watching Kevin on Xena, and I know his legacy will continue to live on. Sweet dreams, Kevin. You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

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Your Daily DRUNK!

2011-04-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

Greek Girl, once I am done riding this attractive ottoman, I am going to track down these bitches and hump them like it is 1999! Now where are my drinking panties? YES, GREEK GIRL, I WEAR THEM! You know what? Get the hell out of here, you sarcastic bitch! You don’t get to travel back to 1999 with me!

Baba Yaga Is The Face Of Louis Vuitton

2011-04-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Greek Girl, I had no idea Louis Vuitton was launching a new line of funerary attire and designer caskets for the well-to-do widow. But now that I know, this makes total sense and I utterly approve of his decision to make Baba Yaga the face of his Putrefaction line!

Jesus God, I can already see the commercials for this shit! They will open up in an abandoned cemetery in the middle of a moonless night. Slowly, the camera will pan over the chipped headstones and corroded mausoleums as a lonely winter wind howls through the trees. Suddenly, the eerie silence will be shattered by the sounds of furious banging. Moving faster through the trees, we will continue to pan across the cemetery until we stumble across an open grave.

Inside the open grave, we will see a clattering coffin with the name “Countess Von Cunt” on the cover. All of a sudden, a veiny fist will smash through the coffin lid and tear the rest of it aside. Like a rotting dinosaur carcass, Baba Yaga will sit up in the coffin and shake the mummy dust from her clothes and wig. Then, as the music reaches an eerie crescendo, Baba Yaga will clutch at both sides of her head and howl at the moon. After that, we will hear the voiceover of a cackling witch as she says, “Putrefaction. The new fragrance by Louis Vuitton.”

Yeah, so now that I have completely embarrassed myself with that scenario, here is what Extra is saying about Baba Yaga’s latest cuntery: “The actress signed a lucrative deal with Vuitton, E! News reports, for what will be a print-only campaign. A source familiar with the deal told E! News that Jolie will be paid ‘close to $10 million’ for her high-end endorsement deal, believed to be the most lucrative of her career.”

Great. This makes total sense. After all, if I had a product to sell, I would definitely hire a sinewy bitch with pulsating veins all over her body and asbestos in her colon. Yeah. Everybody adores the stench of rotting meat and maggot secretions early in the morning. Why do you think Joan Rivers is doing so well right now?

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I Hate You, Greek Girl

2011-04-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

First of all, I have to point out the fact that this post smells like a combination of burnt wig hair, bargain brand spermicide, and cheap lubricant from the hooker section of the adult toy store. And Lady Gaga, please tell me you did the honorable thing and paid Baba Yaga for the rights to her life story?

After all, Baba Yaga has cheek implants that jut out like an erection under a tranny hooker’s dress AND she has a zip-up vagina hidden underneath her penis. So, yeah. I hope you paid the bitch for the rights, otherwise she will hire Shimizu to tackle you in a dark alley and shove her fist up your colon. Wait a second. Never mind. You might like that too much.

That being said, I cannot describe how much I hate the Greek Girl right now. It is like she saves the worst shit for Fridays and dumps it all over my head like Rosie after eating too much Gouda at a cheese festival. And in all seriousness, I almost punched myself in the face when I saw the tranny douchebaggery on the cover of NME magazine this morning. Listen, Gaga, we all know this “suffering artist” shit is just an act, so quit pretending like you were farted out by a starving artist in the Etruscan section of the Louvre or something.

After all, we all know how much you suffered growing up. Privileged upbringing. Going to school with Paris Hilton. Private music lessons. Attending society dinners. The only uncomfortable thing about your upbringing is that you went to school with Paris Hilton. After all, if I had gone to school with that walking vagina rash, I would still be in therapy and popping cranberry pills for my urinary tract infection.

So, yeah. That is all I have to say for now! Greek Girl, go fuck yourself! Foxy, meet me in the bathtub in ten minutes and bring a champagne flute filled with vodka and nail polish remover. I feel like adding a little extra kick to my vodka this morning. Yeah. This bitch is feeling EXPENSIVE!

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Chicken Cock Whiskey

2011-04-22T10:06:00.000-07:00

This whiskey is expensive in more ways than one, so get out your bar napkins and prepare to take notes! This will be on your next oral exam! One, this whiskey is expensive because it has the word “cock” in the name. And two, chickens do not generally have cocks, which leads me to believe that the chicken on the label of this bottle is a tranny! YES! See? I told you this shit was expensive!

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Man Candy Of The Day: Dry Sack Sherry

2011-04-22T10:03:00.001-07:00

In other words, what poor Baba Yaga has to deal with now that she has reached the ripe old age of 2,356. Yes, this is what happens when you are a preternatural beast with grime in your wrinkles and maggots in your colon. Your sack dries out and your penis shrivels up like an earthworm on a cold autumn night. Have faith, Baba Yaga. I am sure Shimizu will continue to slap your junk around long after everything has stopped working.

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Your Daily GRANNY BEATING!

2011-04-21T11:18:00.001-07:00

This decadent video always gives me so much satisfaction! Now if only this lovely lady had broken her cane in half and beaten this asshole to a bloody pulp! Do not honk at old ladies, you fucktard! Old ladies rule this world and don’t you forget it!

Baba Yaga Has Strict Nanny Requirements

2011-04-21T09:34:00.001-07:00

First of all, I know my inbox is going to get slammed by sweaty cankles and matted pubic hairs this morning, but I could give a flying fuck at this point. Loons, once again you have proven yourselves to be monarchs of poppycock and sovereigns of hogwash. And yes, in case you were wondering, that pun WAS intended. You are all hogs and you need to wash.

How many times have you panty stains written to me and claimed that Baba Yaga is a hands-on mother? Well, I am here to tell you that the only time Baba Yaga uses her hands is when Shiloh asks for more gruel and Baba Yaga slaps her across the face. After all, Shiloh needs to learn that gruel does not grow on trees. Three ounces is more than enough for a growing child!

So, yeah. The loons are obviously correct. Baba Yaga is such a devoted mother that each of her children has their own personal nanny: “Each child is given their very own personal nanny, who is required to have a college degree in either education or child development and to speak at least two languages. In the case of Brad and Angie's adopted children from other countries, the nanny in question is expected to speak the language of the child's native land. The job applicant must also be willing to travel.”

Oh, and how could we not mention the additional requirements? The male nannies have to be willing to take Goat Bitch on his nightly walks in the dog park and comb his pubes with a dog brush. They also have to massage his sphincter with a mixture of buttermilk and sparkly lip gloss. After all, a shiny sphincter always makes for a smoother entrance. Just ask Clooney.

In other words, Baba Yaga is too busy decomposing in her coffin all day long, which is why she needs six nannies to take the kids to school and drop Goat Bitch off at the pound! Not to mention taking Wig Jolie for her daily rabies shots! Goddammit! How do you expect an osteoarthritic dinosaur carcass to do all that work?

PS: Even back then, Vivienne had the BEST facial expressions!

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Crabcakes Hilton Is Better Than You

2011-04-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

Before I say anything about this horrible cunt and her granular vaginal crust, I just wanted to say a few words to Paris Hilton herself. Hooker, I have had it up to HERE with your cuntery, and I can barely bring myself to look at that self-satisfied ass implant you call a face. Please do everyone a favor and go diddle yourself with a busted Crustastun. Thank you very much. That is all I have to say for now.

Yeah, so now that I have actually stopped queefing, I can finally get to the point of this goddamn story. According to Popeater, here is what happened at Coachella on Saturday: “Paris grew impatient while waiting for the giant slide and skipped right to the front, bypassing dozens of partygoers. Unfortunately for Paris, the slide attendant quickly shot her down, telling the business mogul to get back in line. According to our spy, her response to this rejection provoked quite the outburst from the slide staffer. The line heard him yell, ‘What did you say to me?’ But in typical Paris fashion, she kept her cool. ‘Oh sorry, I was saying that to my boyfriend,’ she said as she skipped away with her beau, Cy Waits.”

Bitch, you are so lucky I was not the one on slide duty that night. Unlike the slide attendant, I would not have asked you to repeat what you said. Instead, I would have responded with a solid punch to the jaw and a torrent of insults starting with, “You stupid-ass hooker bitch!”

If there is one thing I cannot stand it is a privileged whore who prances around thinking she is better than everyone else. Paris, I have news for you. EVERYONE is better than you are. You are a bigoted cunt with legions of crabs crawling around your ass hairs. Your head is emptier than a Pauly Shore fan club meeting, and your face is as busted as Rudolph in a jewelry store. I would keep on going but frankly, I would rather stick my nipple into an electric pencil sharpener. So, yeah. Go fuck yourself. And yes, my pinkie was in the air when I said that!

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Emily Blunt

2011-04-21T09:21:00.000-07:00

I absolutely adored this British actress before she made it big in the states. Not only does Emily Blunt have a classic beauty, but she also starred in one of my favorite indie films, My Summer of Love. If you are a fan of dark, off-beat indies, then do yourself a favor and please watch this movie. Here is the trailer, and it never gets old:

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Man Candy Of The Day: Channing Tatum

2011-04-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Not only is Channing Tatum a gorgeous hunk of man, but he also happens to swing both ways! So drop your panties, ladies and gentlemen, and try to keep your elbows off the table! Yeah. This shit is about to get EXPENSIVE!

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Wednesdays Suck

2011-04-20T09:15:00.000-07:00

All right, my expensive hos, you know the drill! My stupid ass will be taking care of business today, but I will be back tomorrow morning. And vagina, quit trying to rip holes into my granny panties! I am not taking care of THAT kind of business! God, you are such a disgrace! I swear to God, step one pube out of line today and I will ground you for the entire weekend! That’s right, bitch! No drunken Easter egg hunts for you!

Lots of Love,
The Greek Girl (Mrs. Amber Benson)

PS: Chag Sameach Pesach to all of my wonderful Jewish hos! Slutty Gay Friend is being a bad Jew this year, so I almost forgot to wish everyone a Happy Passover! For shame, Slutty Gay Friend! For SHAME!

Your Daily GRANNY FIGHT!

2011-04-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

Vagina, take a good look at this video. In about sixty years, we will be doing the exact same thing in front of the neighbors. I swear to God, bitch. I will hurl your ass down to the ground and run you over with my wheelchair! I am sure you will give me a very good reason!

Oh, Shut Up!

2011-04-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

First of all, I am irritable as fuck this morning because Slutty Gay Friend decided to invite a bunch of his friends over and whore around until 6:30 in the freaking morning. So excuse me if I am not in the mood for Goat Bitch and his ruffled undergarments! That neutered goat can kiss my ass and go fuck himself with a rusty nail!

All right, so here is what’s going on this morning. Above us is a photo of Goat Bitch attending the wedding of some Hollywood producer named Brad Grey. As I am sure you have noticed, Baba Yaga and her emaciated dinosaur carcass are nowhere to be seen.

So here is where shit gets stupid. Take a gander at what the retards over at Hollywood Life are speculating: "Brad Pitt shocked many when he showed up to producer Brad Grey‘s wedding April 16 with his manager, Cynthia Pett-Dante, rather than Angelina Jolie -- but was it because ex Jennifer Aniston was a guest? There are no photos or definitive word Jen was at the wedding, but her and Brad launched their production company, Plan B, with Brad in 2002. Seems like she would have been invited.”

Listen up, you desperate hookers! Goat Bitch is a diseased old goat who gets chained to a stake in the goat pen and has to drink hose water from a plastic bowl. Why the fuck would Jennifer even care about running into him? If she and Goat Bitch were to bump into each other at an event, I am sure she would pat him on the head and give him a salt lick from the bargain bin at Petco. End of story.

And as for Baba Yaga, bitch has no shame whatsoever. If she were to run into Jennifer Aniston, she would smile her smug smile and cling to Goat Bitch like a tattered piece of her long-lost youth. So quit speculating about stupid shit, Hollywood Life. Go write about something important, like Wig Jolie and her propensity to wipe her ass on Baba Yaga’s scalp. Now that shit is interesting!

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What The Fuck?

2011-04-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

First of all, is it weird that all I can do is focus on the fact that Coco took this photo in front of some elevators in a public building? What the fuck are you doing, hooker? Old ladies ride the elevators all the time, and if they were to catch one glimpse of your honey baked ham, they would clutch their chests and think that the Japanese were finally getting even for Hiroshima and Nagasaki!

After all, everyone knows that when Coco farts, a tropical storm rips through some remote island in the Bahamas. Keep that shit away from public places, Coco! Old ladies do not need to worry about atomic fart bombs in their golden years! No! They should be eating hard candy and smacking whippersnappers around with their handbags at the bus stop.

Anyway, here is the Weapon of Ass Destruction taking a picture of her ginormous glutes in front of an elevator the other day. I honestly have no idea what the fuck is going on here. Judging from the sucky lighting, I would guess that Coco was in a medical building of some sort. Great. So she got turned on during her gynecological exam and decided to blow off steam by taking pictures of her ass in the lobby. Makes total sense.

Which totally reminds me! Some girl I was dating (don’t judge me) told me that she once had an orgasm while being examined by a really hot gynecologist. Yeah, I really don’t know what to say about that. The girl was kind of a whore. Which is probably why I went on two dates with her and ran away with my panties around my ankles after she stuck her tongue down my throat on the second date. I am an old-fashioned kind of girl. At least tell me my eyes are beautiful before you start prodding my tonsils with your tongue!

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Evan Rachel Wood

2011-04-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

In honor of Evan Rachel Wood coming out as an equal opportunity lover yesterday, here are some decadent photos for everyone to enjoy. God bless you, Evan Rachel Wood. Thank you for renewing my faith in women who love other women! It is nice to know that not all of us look like Danny DeVito on hormone pills.

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Man Candy Of The Day: Denzel Washington

2011-04-19T09:38:00.000-07:00

What is there to say about the astoundingly handsome and talented Denzel Washington? He is so decadent, you just have to look at these photos with your elbows off the table and a crooked tea cozy on your head. And vagina, that was not a cue for you to start lecturing me about the proper way to tea bag somebody. What the hell would you know about it, anyway? You big lesbo!

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You Daily DECADENCE!

2011-04-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

At first, I thought u8a22 was drunk again because all I could see was a ceramic dildo surrounded by animals in the background, but then she finally appeared in the shot. So, yeah. I have nothing else to say. And now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go brush my teeth and floss for about an hour.

Gills Jolie Was SABOTAGED Again!

2011-04-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Listen, Wig Jolie, I know you are a high-maintenance bitch with ratty split ends and colonies of lice dancing around a bonfire in the middle of Baba Yaga’s scalp, but that does not give you the right to block Gills Jolie from every goddamn shot! Gills Jolie deserves her moment in the spotlight, and I resent the fact that you are constantly making yourself the center of attention!

I understand that you are around Baba Yaga twenty-four hours a day and that you may have picked up on her attention-whoring habits, but that is no excuse! You are better than that, bitch! Remember your roots! You put yourself through Juilliard by posing for various kitten calendars when you were in your twenties! You are better than Baba Yaga! You actually had to work to get to where you are today!

And one last thing before I get off my midget stool and stop wagging my finger in your face. What is your secret to those luxurious split ends? I am not making fun of you, I am genuinely curious! My guess is that you urinate all over Goat Bitch and don’t bother wiping yourself afterwards. Yeah. The uric acid in your urine would definitely cause some split ends to happen.

Anyway, here is the medical school cadaver and Wig Jolie at the Kung Fu Panda 2 photo call in Los Angeles. I am sorry, but these photos look like outtakes from a gang-bang scene in a low-budget bestiality movie. Jack Black is arching his back just a little too much and Baba Yaga is cupping the panda’s face in a very intimate manner. Yeah. Where are those goddamn PETA bitches when you need them?

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Surprise! Kim Kardashian Wears Spanx

2011-04-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

And vagina, you can put your head back down because I was talking about Spanx, not spanks! And you know better than that, bitch! If anyone were to spank Kim Kardashian’s ass, it would send sound waves into deep space and make the aliens think that the earth was preparing for galaxial warfare! I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel like being tied to a titanium table and being anally probed by a gnarled creature with dead eyes and freezing hands. No! That nightmare about Baba Yaga was more than enough, thank you!

So, yeah. Is anyone really surprised that Kim Kardashian wears Spanx underneath those tent-sized hooker outfits? If that ass is not properly restrained, it will hit the pavement harder than Rudolph after seeing a trail of white powder on the sidewalk. Oh, Rudolph. What the hell are we going to do with you? Santa is going to slaughter you in the back room of the toy shop and serve venison to the elves if you keep that shit up!

Anyway, here is the overstuffed linguica sausage walking around like a middle-aged divorcee who sits around in her wedding dress and drowns her sorrows in boxes of assorted chocolates. Normally, I would not give a shit if someone were wearing Spanx, but since Kim is always talking about how much she embraces her body, I wanted to bring it up. Yeah. I am a cunt like that.

And will you look at that poor woman standing behind Kim? She has a look of horror and bemusement on her face, like she is trying to figure out what the fuck she is looking at. Ma’am, what you are staring at is fifty pounds of rump roast and gristle stuffed into a body-shaping undergarment. Has your horror subsided yet? No? I do not blame you.

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Julianne Moore

2011-04-18T09:34:00.000-07:00

One of the most beautiful women to ever walk the earth. Period. End of story. Julianne Moore could be seventy years old and I would still ask her out for tea and light refreshments. Yeah. I am fancy like that.

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Man Candy Of The Day: Michael Fassbender

2011-04-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

I am proud to say that I was a Michael Fassbender fan before he made it big in the United States. He was on a little show called Hex, which was touted as the British Buffy. If you have not seen Hex yet, then shame on you! Vagina, get out your grade book! Demerits! Demerits for everybody! Jesus God. She is passed out in her highchair again. Never mind, bitch! I will do it myself!

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Your Daily AMBERKINS!

2011-04-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

Since the Greek Girl was too much of a blushing wimp to put this up this week, I am going to step up to the plate and be the decadent bitch in the family! Yeah! And be sure to lift your pinkies in the air because this video is EXPENSIVE!

Anyway, here is our adorable (and bashful) Queen Amberkins reading a sex scene from her latest CRJ novel, Serpent’s Storm. Greek Girl, you can quit blushing and hiding your face now! God, you are such an embarrassment! Pack your bags and move to a nunnery if you’re going to be that way!

Nice Bags, Baba Yaga!

2011-04-15T10:05:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Baba Yaga, for making me scream bloody murder and tumble out of my Barbie highchair this morning. Jesus God, bitch! You see what happens when you are a two-thousand-year-old preternatural beast with worms in your intestines and maggots in your colon? You start to decompose the moment you leave the refrigerated antechamber of your Egyptian tomb!

There is no excuse for this kind of careless behavior! You should know better, bitch! A rickety skank like you should always have corpse makeup in your purse and formaldehyde in your water bottle! You are like a softening cow carcass dangling from a hook in the back of the butcher shop. Delicate, Baba Yaga! You are liable to split your hide or crack your femur simply by exposing yourself to external temperatures!

Anyway, here is the sagging testicular sac and her favorite chew toy at the Ahmanson Theater in Los Angeles the other night. I see that Goat Bitch took the time to slick his hair back with a combination of vaginal lubricant and George Clooney’s ejaculatory cream. Bitch is so fancy! He really cares about how he looks!

But you, Baba Yaga! FOR SHAME! Instead of making an effort like Goat Bitch, you decided it would be okay to appear in public looking like an undead creature who thirsts for brains and menstrual blood. Shame on you! At least put some sunglasses on and pretend like Shimizu slapped you around for not calling her “Sir” during your last sexual session. God! Show some effort already!

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Cocaine

2011-04-15T09:57:00.001-07:00

Quick! Somebody hide this shit before Rudolph comes crashing through the window with a gun and jacks all the Cocaine from the house! Yeah, bitch is desperate at this point, and I can totally see her putting a straw up her nose and snorting down entire bottles of this shit! By the way, how dare you come crashing into my home with a gun, you stupid cunt? At least have the decency to call me first! You never know when I could be in the middle of an expensive pole dancing routine! God! RUDE!

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Man Candy Of The Day: Herpes Beer

2011-04-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

And notice the tea bags down at the bottom of the beer label. Hmm. What the hell is going on in these breweries, Greek Girl? If I thought for one moment that tea bagging was going on at my local vodka distillery, I would clear out my liquor cabinets and switch to tequila! NO! No I wouldn’t! Lies! All lies! I love you, vodka! I love you! Even if I contract herpes from you, I will love you forever...

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Your Daily GROUCH!

2011-04-14T10:36:00.000-07:00

Fruitcake Lady, I love you. I want to be just like you when I am a grouchy old bag who steps on her titties in the shower! You are my hero!

Insider Explains Why Baba Yaga Kidnaps Children

2011-04-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

If I were a child under the age of six and I lived in an impoverished country with dubious adoption laws, I would bury a land mine next to my bed every night before I went to sleep! There is no way in hell I'd want to wake up in the middle of the night with a rickety claw reaching for my face and a dry cackle echoing around the room. No! Go fuck yourself, Baba Yaga! I am not waiting around for you to “adopt” me!

After all, everyone knows that Baba Yaga likes to snatch children from their beds in the dead of night and carry them off to her hut in the middle of the woods. After that, she fills a large cauldron with water and chicken lard and places it over a crackling fire. And what do you think happens next? Exactly. She makes the children bathe in that large cauldron while she slices up carrots and dumps them into the water.

You would think that there would be no explanation for this type of behavior, but apparently, there is. According to an insider via Grazia: “Angelina sees so many children suffering and she makes a point of bonding with each child she meets, so it's natural she wants to bring some of them home with her.”

Of course she does! But is it appropriate for her to lick her chops and sprinkle salt on their heads whenever they hug her? That shit is not normal! And have you seen video footage of Baba Yaga interacting with children on her journeys? They all look fucking terrified of her! Children are smart! They can always sense when evil is near!

The Countess Of Crotch Crabs

2011-04-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

Normally, I try to go after more constructive things in my posts, such as Snooki wrestling wombats in the swamp, or Baba Yaga picking her teeth with the finger bones of small children. But since Paris is a stupid-ass cunt with a nasty personality, I do not feel bad about making fun of her appalling eyebrows, eighty-year-old neck, and horribly-coiffed pubic wig. Bitch is fuglier than a bucket of diarrhea and I am sure she smells just as lovely.

Actually, I think Paris Hilton smells like a combination of used tampons, congealed chicken gravy, and melted lip gloss scraped from the bottom of the cup holder in her car. And that is the least of our worries. When was the last time anyone checked the basement in that mansion of hers? With her racist tendencies, I am sure she has a bunch of minorities chained to the radiator. Yes. And her crabs are guarding them day and night!

Anyway, here is the walking yeast infection looking like a 60-year-old ex-prostitute who married a congressman after he paid her ten dollars to suck him off in the back alley behind a Panda Express. Beautiful, Paris. Just beautiful. I am sure you are the envy of every grandmother who shows up to bingo night at the nursing home.

Ugh! I am so over this stupid-ass bitch and her bag of cuntery. If I spray her with disinfectant and toss some bleach into her eyes, do you think she will melt? I fucking hope so because this bitch has gotten on my last nerve. I would rather stick my nipple into a pencil sharpener than look at this vacuous hooker ever again.

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Mary Louise Parker

2011-04-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

For those of you who watch Weeds, here is the beautiful and expensive Mary Louise Parker. And how could I not mention her unforgettable performance in Fried Green Tomatoes? She and Mary Stuart Masterson fought to make their onscreen relationship more prominent, but they lost out to the cowardly movie execs. Ladies, I tip my crooked tea cozy in your direction. Thank you for trying!

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Man Candy Of The Day: Wentworth Miller

2011-04-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

Wentworth has beautiful eyes and he is also an alleged rectum ranger, so naturally, he is an ideal pick for Man Candy! The only reason Slutty Gay Friend watched Prison Break was to see Wentworth get thrown down on a bed and diddled by a bearded man named Paulie Prostate. Unfortunately, that never happened, but luckily, that is what fan-fiction is for! So get out your crayons and start scribbling, Slutty Gay Friend! I think the title of your story should be Bareback Mountain. Yeah. Very expensive!

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Okay, Loons

2011-04-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

I cannot tell you how many retarded (and poorly-crafted) emails I received from the loons at the beginning of last week. They were all gloating about Baba Yaga’s airport photos and how “wonderful” her skin looked. It went a little something like this: “Ha! Angry Freak, you’re always saying that Angie is aging badly, but her skin looked beautiful at LAX! You suck! Go kill yourself! Now where is my bacon-stuffed breakfast donut?”

All right, so here we go. You bitches cannot tell me that the paps didn’t smear vaginal lubricant over the lenses of their cameras before taking these photos! Notice how Baba Yaga’s paper-thin sausage casing has suddenly transformed into the semblance of normal-looking skin. And if the vaginal lubricant did not smooth away all signs of Progeria, then I am sure the extensive airbrushing and spurts of holy water did the rest.

Oh, and let’s not forget about the classy and decadent Wig Jolie! I think Wig Jolie suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder or something because bitch was looking a little lifeless up there on her perch. Where is the fire, Wig Jolie? You need to roll around in dung and strike a pose! Preferably with your leg up in the air while you urinate on Goat Bitch!

And speaking of Goat Bitch, who the fuck is that gay-looking blond dude with Baba Yaga? I can only assume that this is Goat Bitch’s reward for not chewing up the living room curtains or urinating on the couch cushions? Good job, Goat Bitch. Now be sure to dab some hooker perfume behind your ears and carefully rub some olive oil into your sphincter. This blond guy looks like he appreciates romantic gestures and a smooth entrance.

PS: The fact that Gills Jolie is nowhere to be seen in the first photo is proof positive that these pictures were airbrushed to hell and back. Shame on you, bitches! Gills Jolie deserves the limelight just as much as Wig Jolie!

PPS: Just one post today, my expensive hos. This bitch is on her way out the door again.

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See You Tomorrow, Hos!

2011-04-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

My expensive hos! Your Greek Girl has to run out of the house this morning, so I am not sure if I will be back in time to post today. And before I forget, I want you to know that I will be posting later in the morning throughout the rest of the week. Shit just got crazy around here, and I am trying to juggle a bunch of crap all at once. Have a wonderful day, hos! Thank you for always being so patient with me. You all get extra vodka tonight!

Lots of Love,
The Greek Girl (Mrs. Amber Benson)

Your Daily NOSTALGIA!

2011-04-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

Back when the Angry Greek was just a Mildly Frustrated Greek, I used to beat the crap out of my little brother for ruining my tea parties. One time, he made wee inside one of my teapots while I was playing at a friend’s house. I swear to God, I tracked him down and beat the crap out of him with a plastic saucer when I found out.

The Haus Of Yaga

2011-04-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

First of all, I am extremely offended that Baba Yaga’s jewelry collection is being touted as “classy” by smug little peons wearing striped shirts from the bargain bin at Target. Excuse me, but I did not see an uplifted pinkie or a carefully laid out dinner mint anywhere in this fucking video! Class? You have no comprehension of the word CLASS!

Now, if you want decadence and panache, then please invite Wig Jolie to see the collection! That bitch will walk around with a monocle over one eye and discreetly urinate in every corner of the fucking gallery. You see? Now that is class! And you know she will wipe herself using the black silk curtains in the very back of the room! Yeah. Bitch is expensive like that!

So, yeah. According to designer Robert Procop, he and Baba Yaga have been working on the Haus of Yaga Collection for quite some time now: “This is a collaboration between Angelina Jolie and myself in designing beautiful jewels as a piece of an art form. What we’re showing here is a collection that Angelina and I have been working on for the last nine months or so.”

Excuse me, but am I the only one who substituted piece of an art form with piece of shit? Oh, and just so you know, this Haus of Yaga crap is for charity. Yeah! All proceeds will go to the Save Goat Bitch’s Testicles Foundation. I mean, come on! We all know his scrotum is an endangered species at this point! Goat Bitch, only ASPCA charities and public television telethons can save your manhood, so you better put on your Girl Scout uniform and start collecting donations!

Paris Has A Bigoted New Year

2011-04-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com - Paris Hilton's Racist New Years Part 2 Tags: IDontLikeYouInThatWay.com - Paris Hilton's Racist New Years Part 2

First of all, I am two seconds away from grabbing this stupid-ass cunt and washing her mouth out with antiseptic and powdered vinegar from a douche bag. Either that or shoving her smug, vacuous face into a public toilet and repeatedly smashing the lid down on her head. Like I said, either way! I am not particularly choosy about how I handle this skank right now!

Anyway, I am going to try to calm down and actually make sense for a few seconds here. If you choose to watch the above video, please make sure to cover your ears as much as humanly possible. This banshee cunt is singing along to We Are Family the entire time, and she has a history of lacerating eardrums with her piercing singing voice.

The cuntery begins at around the 1:16 mark. That is when Crabcakes sings, “I’m a fat, ugly Jewish bitch.” Then, as if that weren’t idiotic enough, she starts singing about “Jappies” at around the 2:00 mark. Oh, and don’t miss the “I am a little black whore!” remark at around the 2:13 mark. It simply gets worse and worse as the video goes on.

Paris, let me tell you something before the urge to kick you in the cunt becomes way too overwhelming. I do not care if this video was filmed five minutes ago or five years ago. This is not the first time you have pulled shit like this, and in my opinion, you need an exhaustive and painstaking ass-kicking. Just say the word, bitch. Believe me, I am more than willing to slap you around until my hand looks like a slice of prosciutto.

Clitty Litter Of The Day: Jennifer Connelly

2011-04-11T10:20:00.001-07:00

What can anyone say about the beautiful and expensive Jennifer Connelly? She is living proof that truly beautiful women are sexy at any age. Baba Yaga, pay attention to this shit. Jennifer Connelly is older than you are and for some reason, she doesn’t look like a rotting dinosaur carcass!

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Man Candy Of The Day: Josh Kloss

2011-04-11T10:15:00.001-07:00

This man is so pwetty to look at, it is absolutely sickening. I would date him myself, if not for the pesky “I like vagina” thing. Yeah. That might pose a bit of a problem.

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Your Daily LOON IN TRAINING!

2011-04-08T12:10:00.000-07:00

Today’s cuntery is brought to you by the very expensive and decadent Drpamful! By the way, where the fuck is this kid going at the end of the video? I see tranny makeup, spiked heels, and leather skirts in his very near future. Life is tough out there, kiddo, so be prepared to earn your bacon from now on!

Jesus God! Look At Goat Bitch!

2011-04-08T11:25:00.001-07:00

Dear God in heaven! Will you look at this giggling bitch swinging his ultra-thin clutch purse and flitting around town like a debutante before her coming out party? Yes, a clutch purse! To the untrained eye, that clutch purse may look like a manila folder, but to the expert eye of a classy bitch, it is an ultra-thin clutch purse complete with multiple inside pockets for your sanitary napkins and emergency birth control pills.

Careful, Goat Bitch! If you swing that purse any harder, your tampons will spill out all over the sidewalk! I know you are excited to go to dinner with Clooney, but please remember that a proper lady always knows when to control her excitement and appear aloof.

Take that advice, please. Otherwise, Clooney will simply ask you to blow him under the table and send you home right after dessert. No! You have to make him work for your affections, Goat Bitch! Otherwise you are just another desperate hussy taking it up the ass on Hollywood Boulevard. MISS CRUISE! I am looking at you!

Anyway, here is the Duchess of Dicklick looking positively, uh, radiant at Akasha earlier this week. Holy fuck, Goat Bitch. So this is what happened the moment Baba Yaga left for Tunisia, huh? You let down your pubes and frolicked around town like a cheerleader about to order a prom dress?

And is it just me or does Goat Bitch look higher than a trapeze artist dangling from the top of a skyscraper? Let me see those pupils, Goat Bitch! Greek Girl, fetch me the tiny flashlight you use on me whenever I come home at 5 AM smelling of booze and cheap whore perfume! I have a feeling Goat Bitch’s pupils are going to be bigger than the fancy dinner plates he ordered from the Pottery Barn last week.

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That Better Not Be A Baby Bump!

2011-04-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

First of all, why does it look like Paris Hilton is farting out a nest of crabs in the above photo after being diagnosed with lactose intolerance and a bad case of pelvic inflammatory disease? And just out of curiosity, have any of you ever been around a lactose intolerant person after they have ingested some kind of dairy product? Holy fuck! It is like listening to a medley of Tibetan yak horns on a lonely Himalayan mountainside.

That being said, if Paris is planning on hatching a new batch of crab eggs, then I am pretty much going to punch myself in the uterus and throw myself down the stairs. And please feel free to follow my example, Paris. Please! That is sound medical advice, I promise! The Greek Girl’s mother is a nurse, so I know exactly what I am talking about!

Ahem. Yeah! So according to In Touch Weekly via Gossip Cop, Paris has been more bloated than Rosie after attending a Wisconsin cheese festival: “In Touch Weekly features the socialite in its ‘Hollywood Bump Watch,’ claiming that her ‘blossoming belly’ had ‘mouths gaping’ at a recent event to launch her shoe line. Hilton was ‘looking considerably fuller around the mid-section,’ reports the magazine, which also mentions her recent trip with boyfriend Cy Waits to check out engagement rings.”

Well, fuck me up the ass and call me Goat Bitch. Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that her personal assistant is on the phone right now with People and The Crab Street Journal, negotiating the terms for her new family photos.

Jesus God. I have a clear picture of Paris trying to diaper a sand crab with seaweed, and not the cheap kind of seaweed, either! Bitch is expensive! She buys the haute couture seaweed used by sushi chefs and manorexic bulldykes with iron deficiencies all over the globe!

PS: Thank you, de Cosmos, for the head’s up!

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Vergina Beer

2011-04-08T09:41:00.001-07:00

Normally, I would give this beer a try, but I am extremely concerned about the lack of enunciation when it comes to the brand name. Excuse me, but when you say “vagina,” every syllable should be articulated and lightly caressed with your tongue. If you cannot say the fucking word properly, then I will not taste your fucking beer. It is as simple as that. Now get the fuck out of here, you redneck excuse for an alcoholic beverage! I spit on you! A pox on all your breweries!

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Man Candy Of The Day: Wanker Light

2011-04-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

If you are a fancy bitch who likes to light scented candles and delicately wank yourself with your pinkie in the air, then this beer is probably for you! And now I have to wonder what regular Wanker beer tastes like. Probably like spermicide and week-old jizz off the shower room floor.

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Your Daily DECADENT LANGUAGE!

2011-04-07T10:54:00.000-07:00

I swear to God, I would have actually watched Barney as a kid if they had used this kind of language! Some of my favorite lines:

1) “Fucking up and down in my little red wagon! Fucking up and down in my little red wagon!”

2) “On the farm we’ll see lots of animals and maybe we can fuck some too!”

3) ”Do your balls hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?”

4) “I see you’ve fucked our guests!” “I sure have!”

5) “Oh, and we want to fuck some more animals!”

6) “And that’s a real cow!” “Sure is! And it’s time for me to fuck her! Would you like to watch?”

Not Tunisia, You Rickety Whore!

2011-04-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

Seriously, Baba Yaga? Are we really going to have this conversation today? For weeks now, I have been screaming about how boring you and Goat Bitch have been, and the minute I turn my back, you decide to reveal your mummified toad carcass for the world to see! And in Tunisia, no less! One of the ancestral homelands of my lovely twin!

By the way, I should warn you that my twin is two seconds away from hurling a pot of scalding hot couscous into your eyes, which will promptly be followed by me scooping the couscous off the ground and putting it back into a bowl for later. Couscous is the nectar of the gods and should never be wasted on a medical school cadaver who smells of formaldehyde and rotting hamburger loaf!

Twin, lamb testicles are a delicacy in both Tunisia and Kabylie, so I say we neuter Goat Bitch (redundant) and toss that shit in Baba Yaga’s face. Oh, no. Wait a second. Never mind. Baba Yaga is used to having balls smacking her in her face, so my idea is pretty much useless. Thanks a lot for desensitizing her, Shimizu! God! You ruin everything!

Anyway, here is the festering Inferius lurching around Tunisia the other day on official UNHCR business. Oh, and before I forget! Loons, thank you so much for your lovely emails this week. And please, do not worry. I plan on going back and commenting on every Baba Yaga photo that was taken this week. I have a lot to say about her appearance at LAX last Sunday.

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It Came From The Septic Tank!

2011-04-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

First of all, why do I believe that this is a photo of Snooki about to dive into a septic tank in order to dislodge the massive turd she laid after eating an antelope and washing it down with hamburger grease? They say that septic tanks use bacteria to liquefy and digest organic wastes, so I can only assume that Snooki is the bacteria in this case. Jesus God. You know this bitch smells like a combination of sweaty salami and unwashed feet after contracting an unsightly fungus.

And speaking of unsightly, why are we constantly being bombarded with images of this overstuffed chipolata sausage as she waddles around in revealing bathing suits? If you want to go swimming, Swamp Midget, I cannot stop you! But could you at least be courteous enough to poke a hole through the middle of a circus tent and shove your head through it? At least then your pork dumpling of a body would be covered!

Jesus God. Anyway, here is the greasy hunk of teriyaki chicken about to pollute the pristine waters of Honolulu. Snooki, once again, you got the name of the city wrong! It’s Honolulu, bitch! Not Whorealulu! Whorealulu is located in the heart of your local dump behind the porta potty with the leaking toilet. You are welcome! I have always been good at giving directions.

And speaking of giving directions, could somebody please explain to Slutty Gay Friend why it is inappropriate for me to wear the hot-pink shirt he got me last week? It is a frilly-ass mess and I refuse to walk around looking like a fluffy vagina with a yeast infection. No! I have standards, bitch! They are not very high, but I have them just the same!

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Milla Jovovich

2011-04-07T08:55:00.000-07:00

Milla is back by popular demand, but I have the sneaking suspicion that the vagina was sending me multiple emails using her different hooker accounts. I knew there was something wrong when I saw the names Tinkerbitch, Buttercrotch, and Captain Sweetie in such close proximity to each other.

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Man Candy Of The Day: Jensen Ackles

2011-04-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

Jensen Ackles is extremely pwetty to look at, which means I officially have a problem on my hands. Cut to Best Fwend and Slutty Gay Friend fighting over the last dildo in the bargain bin at the ninety-nine cent store. Yes, I said the ninety-nine cent store! Bitch is EXPENSIVE!

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About This Week

2011-04-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

My expensive hos! My stupid ass will be dealing with some crap this week, so I am going to take a stab in the dark (vagina, put the pink plastic knife from KFC down!) and say that I will be back on Wednesday.

If you do not see my retarded ass on Wednesday, then do not panic. It won’t be necessary to call the police and tell them that the vagina is keeping me hostage down in the wine cellar. No. It just means that I got held up. I will be here on Thursday for sure, so keep your pinkies in the air until I get back. I love you all! Stay expensive!

Lots of Love,
The Greek Girl (Mrs. Amber Benson)

PS: Are we all in agreement that u8a22 is drunk as fuck in the above video? Bitch, too much Sunny D and rum! That’s enough!

Your Daily FOOL!

2011-04-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

Happy April Fool’s Day, hos! Just for the record, I have no intention of giving up the goodnight juice or dumping my Foxy for Rosie Hamhocks! No! Not even on my most sober day would I do something so hideous! Oh, Foxy, come here! You know you are the only cherry in my pie...Foxy? Foxy? FOXY?! Oh, fuck! Greek Girl, get my roller skate ready! I need to chase after Foxy before she does something stupid. Like check herself into sex rehab!

Goat Bitch & Baba Yaga Went On A Romantic Vacation

2011-04-01T10:40:00.001-07:00

And by that, they mean Baba Yaga climbed onto the back of a snarling pterodactyl and flew to a volcanic island where she and Shimizu proceeded to mash potatoes like speed-addicted grandmothers on Thanksgiving Day. And yes, that was a crack at Baba Yaga and her decomposing dinosaur carcass! I believe in bringing that up at every opportunity!

Oh, and how can we forget about Goat Bitch? That decadent skank put on a string of his best pearls and met George Clooney for drinks at a bar called the Man Hammer. For long, languid hours, they gazed into each other’s eyes, whispered sweet nothings to each other, and shared a series of long, tender kisses. Then, at the end of the evening, Goat Bitch threw himself on top of the bar and screamed for Clooney to ram him like a Brahma bull. I know. Try not to cry.

Yeah, so they -- what? What are you talking about, Greek Girl? The Daily Mail is reporting that Goat Bitch and Baba Yaga were on a romantic vacation TOGETHER? Excuse me, but did a five-hundred-pound mouth-breather suddenly get hired as a reporter for The Daily Mail? This sounds like the beginning of a raunchy sex story from the blubbery depths of The Hidden Grotto.

By the way, I got to read one of those Grotto sex stories and I thought I was going to shit myself laughing. First of all, who the hell writes a story like that? And second of all, I love how they always describe Goat Bitch as well endowed. Um. Last I checked, he was hung like a Raisinette, so pull out your electric toothbrushes and start sobbing into your tent panties, loons. It is going to be yet another long, cold night with no one to comfort you but that half-melted carton of Butter Rum ice cream.

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Snooki Just Farted

2011-04-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

First of all, why do I believe that when Snooki farts, the earth shifts on its axis and the tides go out? After all, everyone knows that when Snooki breaks wind, it is the equivalent of a flaming meteor hitting the earth and causing the seasons to lengthen. Gee! Thanks a lot, Snooki! Now my freaky albino skin can enjoy five long months of scorching summer heat! You dumb bitch! I hope you go to Sea World and get harpooned by a disgruntled whale trainer!

Greek Girl, take a look at this shit! Not only is Snooki farting in this photo, but she is also doing her best not to pass out from the smell. Notice how her eyes are starting to roll back into her head! And just look at that crooked headband! That shit was on straight until Snooki blasted a sour note on her butt trumpet and knocked it askew!

Jesus God. Anyway, here is the perspiring hunk of blood sausage at some WWE event the other day. Great. So Snooki is a wrestler now? Holy shit. You know her signature move will involve pinning her opponent to the mat and queefing in their face until the opponent taps out or has a seizure.

But in all seriousness, bitch is going to make an amazing wrestler! After all, she has been wrestling wombats and chasing marsupials ever since her egg hatched in a pile of diarrhea. Her wrestling name should be Hard Salami, and her theme music should be the Dueling Farts song from Family Guy. Yeah. In other words, this:

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Non-Alcoholic Vodka

2011-04-01T09:19:00.001-07:00

And since I am now in love with the delectable Rosie, I have officially decided to give up alcohol! Not only that, but I have also decided to kick Foxy to the curb. Yeah, you heard me, bitch! Pack your shit and get the fuck out of my house! I have found true love and I am never letting it go! Oh, Rosie! Your love has changed me and I am forever grateful to you. Now roll over onto your stomach so I can rub butter onto your back and scrape the crumbs out of your fat folds.

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Man Candy Of The Day: Rosie O’Donut

2011-04-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, Rosie. When I woke up this morning, all I could think about was your calloused hands and the thick tangle of gorilla fur running down the length of your back. I think I love you. Yes, bitch! I love you! I am even willing to forget the fact that you stole my tin of Succulent Fruity Boobs last summer! Oh, Rosie. Just promise me that you will love me until Pizza Hut comes out with a quadruple-layer pizza topped with pork rinds and congealed lard. I love you, Pork Panties. I love you...

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Your Daily FAIL!

2011-03-31T11:56:00.000-07:00

Dear God. The first video reminds me of the time I was telling Slutty Gay Friend some exciting news. Right in the middle of my story, he accidentally farted and stole my fucking thunder. How dare you, bitch? The least you could have done was put your pinkie in the air!

Why Is Everyone Talking About This Again?

2011-03-31T11:06:00.001-07:00

Um, call me crazy, but I thought we had already established the fact that Baba Yaga looks like Wonder Woman after shooting steroids into her ass and injecting her testicles with Zubron testosterone. So if that is the case, then why are we bringing this shit up yet again? It was scary enough the first time around and I refuse to be subjected to that chiseled jaw and uncomfortable man-hands a second time!

Looking at this comic book makes me want to giggle uncomfortably and look away with an awkward expression on my face. It is like sitting across the bus from a mentally ill person as they sing to themselves and unconsciously play with their genitals. Um, yeah. Awkward as fuck, and I object to being subjected to this shit once again!

Anyway, here is the fossilized pterodactyl carcass in a Female Force comic book from Bluewater Productions. Actually, I think it is a Tranny Force comic from Toilet Water Productions, but that is just my personal opinion. And where is Goat Bitch in the role of Lois Lane, goddamn you?

This comic is not complete without multiple drawings of Goat Bitch in a short skirt and executive pumps! Actually, never mind. Every superhero needs a genuine love interest, so just toss Jenny Shimizu into the mix. We can name her Bulldyke Broad and her special power can be to pee standing up from thirty feet away.

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Sweet Mother Of God

2011-03-31T10:23:00.000-07:00

First of all, Rudolph, thank you for giving me the scare of my fucking life this morning. Holy shit. I literally jumped two feet in the air when I saw this photo. Call me crazy, but I like to see soft morning light and a delicate sprinkling of dew on the front lawn in the mornings, not decaying carcasses that smell like stale cigarettes and expired Red Bull.

Seriously, what the fuck is going on here, Rudolph? You look like a sixty-year-old grandmother who got arrested for feeling up the priest after showing up to the church bake sale in a mini skirt and crotchless panties. How much rectory wine have you had, hooker? What? No, bitch! I said RECTORY! Rectory, you sick skank! God, never mind! We are obviously speaking two different languages here! I say tomato, you say, “Find me a working vein.”

You know what? After seeing this Progeria shit this morning, I no longer feel bad about having blindingly white skin. Yes, I look like an anemic ghost sitting on a porcelain toilet, but when the “tanning bed” bitches of my generation turn fifty, I will still look like a hot skank in my thirties. Um, yeah. But my hymen will probably still be intact, so it all evens out. Fucking hymen! I hate that clingy bitch!

Anyway, here is our favorite reindeer looking like a trampy grandmother named “Trixie” who likes to meet teenage boys in the church parking lot and initiate them in the ways of lovemaking. Holy hell, Rudolph. My heart is still racing after seeing that fucking photo. And now, if you will excuse me, I need to wrestle a bottle of vodka away from the vagina in order to calm my nerves. If I am not back in an hour, call the police. The vagina is prone to fits of violence if you try to take her goodnight juice away from her.

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Katrina Kaif

2011-03-31T09:50:00.000-07:00

An Indian actress who makes Best Fwend swoon and write poetry to her cats. I am just kidding. Best Fwend only has one cat, and that bitch is evil. What kind of a cat chews on extension cords and purposefully tries to trip people? Actually, that sounds a hell of a lot like the Mildly Frustrated Greek when she was a toddler.

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Man Candy Of The Day: Paul Wesley

2011-03-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

Paul Wesley is on a stupid-ass show about vampires and other tween shit, but apparently, this does not matter because he is beautiful to look at. Yes, being beautiful and expensive really makes all the difference. Why do you think I sat through an entire episode of Grey’s Anatomy a couple of months ago? Only for you, my beautiful Amberkins. Only for you...

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Fuck This!

2011-03-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

All right, hos. I don’t need to tell you how much I hate Wednesdays because you already know, so I will simply let the video speak for me. By the way, I love how the guy keeps driving without even bothering to look back. I think this shit was done on purpose. Slutty Gay Friend, I am so doing this to you at the next gay pride parade.

Your Daily FAIL!

2011-03-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite Disney movie of all time, but even I can see the bestiality undertones in that goddamn movie! And by the way, that first video does not help those uncomfortable thoughts! And as for the second video, that shit is just plain awesome. There is nothing more decadent than an overly-confident bitch busting her face into the ground.

Um, Okay...

2011-03-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me reiterate how much I adore Vivienne and her amazing array of facial expressions! Each facial contortion is a delicious display of boredom, disbelief, and utter revulsion. In this photo, for example, Vivienne is overcome by the stench of decay and failure from Baba Yaga. So what does she do? She politely leans away from the bitch and bites her tongue in order to keep from vomiting.

If that is not a perfect example of class and decadence, I do not know what is! And as an added bonus, her elbows are off the table! God, it is just too much! Yes, I am feeling extremely emotional right now, so just ignore me as I sob into my granny panties and babble something about my biological clock. That shit is ticking louder than the three pacemakers Baba Yaga has installed in her chest.

Anyway, I am giggling like Goat Bitch at a fancy dress ball right now thanks to the “Big Happy Family” line on the cover of People magazine. What the fuck are you talking about, bitches? I have seen happier expressions in downtown soup kitchens! The only person who looks semi-happy here is Maddox and that is because Baba Yaga let him out of his cage a few days early. She decided to forgive him for scrawling “Team Aniston” all over the cover of his school notebook.

If this is a photo of a happy family, then my name is Princess Pepperoni of the Planet Pudenda. And loons, that was not a cue for you to start salivating over the thought of pepperoni. Please. Just take your laptops out of your mouths and quit humping the orca-sized booth at Pizza Hut. You are getting pubic sweat all over the fucking table.

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I Have Cataracts Now

2011-03-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

Coco, what in the blubbery bulldyke hell are you doing to me? I paid good money for these goddamn glasses and I will be damned if I have to go back to my optometrist and get a new prescription filled just because you decided to yank down your tent panties and paralyze my optic nerve! Bitch, that is enough of your shit! I am tired of attending Ocular Rape Crisis meetings just because you constantly feel the need to display your honey baked ham!

By the way, is it just me, or does Coco's ass looks like a pile of brioche dough after a chef with a bad case of conjunctivitis added too much yeast and beat the shit out of it with a bottle of soy sauce? Holy fuck! I am getting all kinds of diarrhea cramps just by looking at this photo!

Anyway, I have no fucking idea why I am writing about Coco’s rump roast this morning. For those of you who are new to the blog, this gluteal goddess is married to Ice-T, whom I happen to enjoy on Law & Order: SVU. When Coco is not chasing down ice cream trucks and blowing small animals away with her hurricane farts, bitch is constantly posting pictures of her ginormous ass on Twatter. In fact, she has a very special feature called Thong Thursdays.

I see. So Coco has Thong Thursdays and we have Fanny Fridays. By the way, I recently had to explain to my neighbor that a “fanny” in America is not the same thing as a “fanny” in Australia. In America, a fanny is an ass. In Australia, a fanny is a vagina. I am partial to the Australian translation. Not only is it classier, but it makes the phrase “getting knocked on your fanny” so much more expensive.

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Liv Tyler

2011-03-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

Normally, I would talk about Liv Tyler and how expensive she is, but my ass is too tired and gwouchy this morning. Instead, I think I'll go outside and fart all over a box of newborn kittens wearing baby booties and ruffled sunbonnets. Yeah. That always makes me feel better.

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Man Candy Of The Day: Tahmoh Penikett

2011-03-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

Slutty Gay Friend, make up your goddamn mind already! First, you wanted to be a winter bride, then you wanted to be an autumn bride, and now you want to be a summer bride! Hurry the fuck up and decide already! I am sick and tired of cinching up your corsets and telling you how expensive you look!

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Your Daily GUILT!

2011-03-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

I would laugh, but that poor dog’s guilty expression reminds me way too much of my own! Goddammit! Why must I feel guilty about every little thing that happens? Last night, I felt guilty because Slutty Gay Friend choked on a piece of cucumber (that I had cut up) and ended up spitting it across the room. I laughed, but I still felt guilty! By the way, bitch, you need to work on your gag reflex! What kind of a shameless slut are you?

Squant-Ho

2011-03-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

First of all, could somebody please hand me a tuberculosis horse blanket and a pair of Gucci moccasins infected with smallpox? I would request some lice-infested thermal underwear, but if they reacted badly to Rudolph’s crotch crabs, we could have a struggle for world domination on our hands. Um, yeah. And for some reason, I do not feel like hiding in a bomb shelter with the vagina and her wandering hands. Cut to my hymen breathing a gigantic sigh of relief.

Second of all, Slutty Gay Friend is giggling like Goat Bitch at cotillion over the title of this post, which I think is extremely offensive to Native Americans. God, Slutty Gay Friend! Show some goddamn respect! Squanto deserves better than to be compared to a jaundiced caribou with bloodshot eyes and a bad case of the pubic mites! So, yeah! Quit laughing at my stupidity and go sing along to the Pocahontas soundtrack. And sing with passion, bitch! I need to believe you when you say we can paint with all the colors of the wind.

Ahem. Yeah, so here is the last of the Ho-Hicans wandering around Los Angeles yesterday afternoon. By the way, I sincerely apologize for the multitude of retarded Native American puns. I only have one more, I promise. Big Queef Rudolph. There. I think I should be okay for the next five minutes.

By the way, had I seen this dehydrated fart bubble paddling down the Powhatan river on a turd canoe, I would have turned my ship around and gone back to effing England. You know this bitch smokes crab grass out of a busted peace pipe glued together with sap from a tree and the menstrual blood of an antelope! No fucking thank you! I am going back to my tea and raspberry scones!

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Clitty Litter Of The Day: Sara Bareilles

2011-03-28T09:14:00.000-07:00

I know I said the vagina could blog today if she behaved herself over the weekend, but that promise flew right out the window the moment she got arrested for public urination. So, yeah. Bitch is grounded until Friday morning. Ignore the howls of “I hate you, house bitch!” in the background. It is for her own good. And yeah, I know this has nothing to do with Sara Bareilles. Just do what you do every day and pretend like I make sense.

PS: Best Fwend, the French Knight suggested that I post these photos for you. He is just that classy and expensive.

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Man Candy Of The Day: Eduardo Noriega

2011-03-28T09:08:00.001-07:00

An amazing choice brought to you by the classy and decadent French Knight. I would write something poetic about Eduardo but I am too tired, so to hell with that shit. And now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go ram myself into a wall until my head clears up. Jesus God. I will be brain damaged (even more so) by the time I make any progress.

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So Sorry, Hos!

2011-03-25T01:51:00.000-07:00

My wonderful hos! I know this is not classy or expensive, but I am going to have to take yet another day off from the blog. I am sick and tired of all the cuntery going on, but I am sure it will calm down soon enough.

And vagina, shut the fuck up. I know today is your day to blog, but if you promise to drink some goodnight juice and try your best not to get arrested, I might let you blog on Monday. Agreed? Agreed.

Have a wonderful weekend, hos, and remember to keep your ankles crossed and your elbows off the table. Oh, and do not get into any vehicles with Rudolph. That bitch is sauced up to her eyeballs. I do not care what her bulldyke lawyer tells you!

Lots of Love,
The Angry Greek (Mrs. Amber Benson)

PS: I know I am going to hell for laughing at this racist old cunt, but I cannot help it! God, old people get away with so much shit! If this were a younger woman, I would be farting up a storm and vowing to beat the prejudice out of her. Bitch is lucky I like old people!

What The Fuck Is This?

2011-03-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

Before I say anything about this horrible cunt and her stupid-ass costume, I just want you to know that that sound at the end of the video has nothing to do with the actual music. No. That was the sound of Paris Hilton farting and queefing at the same time. And if you don’t believe me, just look at that relieved expression on her face at around the twenty-six second mark. If that is not a “God, that needed to come out!” expression, then I don’t know what is!

And for those of you who are wondering what the fuck is going on here, this is footage of Paris at an electronic music festival called Beyond Wonderland. Which explains why she is dressed like Alice in Wonderland’s mentally challenged cousin, Callous. Yes! Callous in Wonderland. It makes sense on so many different levels, but I am too exhausted to list them all!

And does anyone doubt that her “dancing” is due to the multitude of crotch crabs pinching and snapping at her labia lips? That would make anyone writhe and wiggle uncontrollably. Oh! And what the fuck is going on with the wig situation? That thing is more lice-ridden and moth-eaten than Wig Jolie at a public dog park!

The best part, however, is watching that deadpan expression on Paris’ boyfriend’s face. What's his name again? I have no fucking idea, so let’s just call him Ass Wipe for now. Yeah, Ass Wipe looks about as excited as Miss Cruise’s penis during a late-night viewing of straight pornography.

PS: Thank you, de Cosmos, for the head’s up!

The DROOL! Oh my God!

2011-03-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

Holy fuck, this video is worth its weight in cheeseburgers if you start to notice the slow trickling of saliva beginning at around the thirty-second mark! Dear God in heaven. All I can do is lift my pinkie in the air and try my best not to dry-heave.